Enough?
by bluespiritgal
Summary: One shot from the last scene of "Lady of the Lake"...Merlin wallows in grief over Freya's death. Has he finally had enough?


**One shot seen from Merlin Episode: "Lady of the Lake" - brief look at Merlin's emotions in the last scene...**

**(repost: after a slight correction. Thank you Vuurvlieng for pointing out my error in the timeline about Balinor)**

...

Merlin sat on the floor scrubbing at the dirt on the boot held in his hands. He paused momentarily and glanced up at the half dozen more pairs, equally filthy, lined up in a row.

With a dispirited sigh, he went back to scrubbing the caked mud off the sole.

It was a mindless job that did little to ease his sadness, to keep his thoughts from wandering back to the aching hurt that just didn't seem to have anywhere else to go except to the center of his chest, pressing against his heart, making his throat tighten and still having the power to bring a sting of hot tears to his eyes at the very thought of her.

_Freya_.

It was still so hard to accept she was truly gone. The time he had with her had been so short, only a matters of a few days, and only a few precious hours within them, but it had still seemed like a lifetime to the young lonely Warlock who had felt an instant connection to her, a kindred spirit, a soulmate.

The pain of her loss only added to the secrets he had to bare alone.

Of course Gauis knew, and tried to understand, offer his comfort and support, but this time, with Freya, he had pulled back, still angry and hurt by Gauis' actions in telling the King, though Merlin knew deep in his heart that the physician had only acted in the best interest of the people of Camelot and the _last_ thing Gauis every wanted to do was hurt his young ward.

But it _had_ hurt.

His tenuous emotions swelled again and the young Warlock forced them back down, never feeling so alone than he did right now.

He had never really tried to process why he'd been so drawn to Freya besides the fact she was a Druid, scared and in trouble and that initially he had just wanted to help. It hadn't taken him long to fall in love with her however. His feelings had not been born out of pity, or because of her plight though, but because he had truly felt a connection to someone who seemed to need him and accept him for who he really was.

He had been at a low point in his life already, the melancholy hanging over him ever since the day Arthur had nearly killed Uther when he'd discovered the truth about his birth and his mother's death.

A part of his heart and his hope had died that day when he had stepped in and lied to prevent Arthur from running his father through with a sword. He knew Arthur would never be able to forgive himself for murdering his own father, despite all Uther had done. But it had cost Merlin dearly to say those lies and later to stand and listen to Arthur _thanking_ him for reminding him of the evils of magic.

After that night, Arthur grew more intense and serious in his need to gain his father's forgiveness for doubting him. It hadn't helped matters either in the weeks that followed to see Arthur's feeling towards magic hardening, and on more than a few occasions to hear Uther's views spurt out of Arthur's mouth, his words unknowingly piercing deeper into Merlin's already trouble soul.

In is despair, he felt himself pulling emotionally away from everyone.

He still went through the daily motions of serving Arthur but there was no sparkle or joy in the task, no bantering or witting remarks between them. It was if Merlin had become invisible again and his days just seemed to mesh together in dull grey sadness that even Guais eventually noticed.

He had begun to really wonder about this whole destiny thing and whether everything was really worth all the sacrifices and the pain he had to bear alone.

It pained him to think about the future, knowing he would never truly be able to tell Arthur his greatest secret, for his magic to ever be accepted, for Merlin be anything to Arthur other than a lowly manservant.

And then he had met Freya and everything had changed. His heart had been lifted. He had felt excited and free and giddy and he had hope in a future, of something bright and beautiful.

But in the end his dream had turned into a nightmare and once again his heart had been ripped in two and left to silently bleed and grieve alone.

Now sitting here on the cold stone floor, cleaning the never ending line of dirty boots, Merlin's life just seemed so much bleaker, so much more hopeless. He felt truly alone and fought the warring emotions of his grief for Freya and the hopeless trap of his destiny.

He heard the latch click and the door swung open as Arthur entered.

As the prince spied his wayward manservant sitting alone on the floor, he tossed the cup he'd been holding onto carelessly aside as he said. "Ah, Merlin. I've been looking for you."

Merlin turned his head slightly away and lowered his eyes, deliberately focusing on his task. The movement didn't go unnoticed by the prince.

"Right… you're going to ask me to polish your armor… and to um, wash your cloths and clean your room." He said emotionlessly.

He looked back down and continued his work.

Instead of confirming what he had said, Arthur came over and sat down next to him, studying his manservant and the way his shoulders were slumped over, his eyes slightly puffy as if he'd been crying, the dejected sad, far off look in the drawn, tired face. He noticed the way his clothes seemed to hang on his boney shoulders and how his jaw remained tense even as his head remained bowed down, seeming intent on his task.

"Something's been upsetting you, hasn't it?" Arthur asked.

"Maybe…" Merlin replied, tight-lipped.

Merlin continued his work, hoping Arthur would take the hint and leave, but the look on Arthur's face made it obvious that he was thinking.

"Was it when I threw water at you?"

Merlin glanced at him, and let out a huff. He couldn't really tell him the real reason he was upset, so he just shrugged.

"That wasn't very nice."

"It was a bit unfair…" Arthur conceded. Merlin continued deligently polishing the same spot on the boot. "Like when you called me fat."

Merlin stopped and looked up. "Why was that unfair?"

"Because I am not f-"

Arthur stopped when he saw the playful grin tug on Merlin's face, and looked away with a grin of his own. Merlin resumed his work. Then all of the sudden Arthur put his arm around Merlin's neck and pulled him close and gave him a noogie! A noogie! Of all the things Merlin would expect Arthur lately, a noogie was not one of them.

Merlin struggled to get out of Arthur's hold while he continued the weird gesture. "Still think I need to get in shape."

"Ow, no! No no no no no." A small laugh escaped Merlin's lips, and he stopped and pushed Arthur away.

As Merlin struggled to figure out what Arthur's strange change behavior was all about, he looked over and saw a smile plastered on the prince's face, crinkling the corners of his eyes.

Despite Merlin's misery he couldn't help but smile back at this teasing version of Arthur he had missed so sorely.

"That's better."

"Thanks..." Merlin said, a bit baffled.

Arthur nodded his head a bit serious in a 'you're welcome' gesture but really meant _'Are you alright?'_

A little flicker of something warm suddenly settled in Merlin's chest at the prince's expression.

Arthur then straightened up, taking on a royal air, yet it was without malice or the usual sting. "You are right though. You need to polish my armor, wash my cloths and clean my room."

He patted Merlin on the back, but his hand lingered ever so briefly before getting up and walking out.

As Merlin watched his master leave, he realized that Arthur had just wanted to see him smile again. In his own oddly prattish way Arthur was checking up on him and trying to ease his hurt.

Merlin let another smile cross his face, shaking his head slightly. Arthur may never be able to admit, even to himself, but they were friends; and friends looked after each other. For that brief moment Merlin suddenly didn't feel quite so hopeless or alone.

Arthur cared. And maybe, just maybe, it would be enough...


End file.
